remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
