woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize