I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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