Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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