Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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