i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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