3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize