I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
