he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
