just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
