YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
