oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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