worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
