Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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