White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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