I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
