the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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