im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
