My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
