this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
