Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
