Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
