went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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