Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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