My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You made out with two different species that night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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