I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
