Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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