My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
