You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
