Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
