i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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