i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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