You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
