she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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