First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
