It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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