i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
