oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
