True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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