just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
