look no pants
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
