my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
