my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
