there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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