My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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