i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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