I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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