I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
