I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
