I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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