I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
