I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
