so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
