Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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