I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
