My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she woke up with a sticky ear
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I forget how to act sober
And then he peed in my hair
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