totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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