I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
