i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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