Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
