I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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