I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
