Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize