I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
