Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
