Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
