Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
