I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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